i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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