My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Randomize
