Please, let me fuck your mom
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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