Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
