i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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