Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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