i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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