I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
