I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
