Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
