do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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