All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
why do cheetos always look like penises
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
