I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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