Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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