Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
