I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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