Your mouth is God's brothel.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.