You made me cry and you don't even care
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"