Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just pee around me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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