she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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