Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
