Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
