pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
