Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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