Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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