oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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