I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
