so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize