I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize