I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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