He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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