I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
