Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
