I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
