Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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