True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
