I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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