I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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