Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
