Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
