My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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