i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
