i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
