tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
