walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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