Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
