She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
