I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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