My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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