our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
