Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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