Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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