You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
