I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I wish I could teleport
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
